A long long post

I sit at my desk
Thinking whether should I post a entry full of words

Are blogs meant for posting your personal thoughts?
Or are blogs meant for letting ppl know about what's happening
to you or what's so happening in your life now?

Sometimes I wonder why I read through other blogs
Patiently, silently, reading till the very end
If I don't catch it, I scroll up and re-read

Then ppl says
"I see your blogs for pretty girls"
"Your blog so emo"
"Your life not happening"
"You quite boring leh"
"Always so many sickening comments"
"Always talk about football, soccer, sports"
"Go drinking again ah?"
"Go have dinner with which pretty girl again?"
"Go holiday ah?"
"Buy new things haolian again"
"Wah your work place boring stuff leh"
"Eh don't repeat leh"
"Your pictures not nice leh"

Kinda sad if you hear this kind of comments right?
Sometimes when I post an entry
I wonder
Should I post this kind of comments?
Should I silently direct my message to some ppl I want?
Should I do this?
Should I do that?
Is my blog for viewership or for voicing my opinions?

Pros and cons of blogging I guess
My aunt point a finger and ask me if I got blog
Then I answered yes
And she say she doesnt understand why ppl like to post
their personal life stories on the Internet for the netizens to see
Her daughter / my cousin does it too
So she has given up hope of understanding the blogosphere

As my entries fill up
I see my style
Got a certain style
Yes
But I don't know how to describe it
As we mature, our thinking changes

I know what should be posted
What cannot be posted
I'm like involvedd in political issues everytime
By choice or by being 'volunteered'
So political stuff among friends you cant shed the secrets
With regards to opinions to certain matters
I also cannot express my view fully

I read and article and it says to clear up
your online identidy and try to keep it neat and tidy
I agree
But seems like my previous posts have been filled with
so drinking pics and plenty of vulgarities

I don't know is my life happening or not
I only know I have a plan for the future
I started looking far ahead after secondary school
I tapped on my primary school experience of being bullied
I planned for my university education when I started poly
I'm proud of myself
Sometimes overly proud

But everythings good now isnt it?
All the bad has past
The bullying in the past
The days whereby ppl look down on me
The period of struggling hard
The working days of being treated like a dog
The internal conflicts
The physical and emotional fights
I have been through a lot
See the good side and bad side of ppl too

Ppl always tell me I got a lot of friends
Especially Cai Ying whom I noted
She always say I have a lot of friends

Haha. I cant believe she says that
I look through my phonebook and nah, not that much
I clicked on my facebook
Nope, not over 500 friends
No staggering amount of 1000 photos of me
Then I see my contacts (friends would need to be re-condersided)
Wow, 500+ friends
1000+ 2000+ photos of being tagged

And isnt some of them ppl who felt depressed in life?
Have a drink too much at times?
Clubbed too much?
Got wasted too many times?
Being through so many bad relationships or what?

Me
I think that friends need to be maintained
Articles always say
"Have you picked up your phone just to say Hi?"
Then what Friend XYZ die in the car accident or whatnot
That's life
I'm not someone who thinks everybody needs to say Hi to
But I treasure the friends I have
Particularly those I SMS them on my account
Look through your phonebook
You got contact with everyone izzit?

So many numbers
So many friends?

Hahaha. I laughed at myself
Not in delight
But in shame
So many friends
And to think one of the most important point of my life
Getting the Silver Medal during graduation
I cant get my family members to go
My parents have a huge dispute over it
My bro got tangled into it
I flared up pretty bad

You know what hurts the most?
That I cant get my family to go
Somemore I asked my friends
"Eh your parents going not?"

Haha. What a joke
I'm not proud to admit it
I found ppl to be back-ups
But if I asked you
I swear upon my life
I asked you with sincerity

To me
I rank ppl in my life
Friends that is
As "good friends, friends, and acquaintance"
So generally those I asked the FIRST
Yes the VERY FIRST
Is you
I ranked you highest
YES YOU

Is like if you are in OCS
Then you asked the date to be present on social night
You mean you asked the neighbour next door who happens to be free
Anyway my neighbour is as hot as Jolin
So I don't mind
But besides my neighbour
Isnt your date suppose to be the one you like?

Ok throw that aside also
But the fact that I'm very upset
Because of the kite-flying factor
I hate ppl to fly me kite
And I hate the fact that I know you so well
I have to anticipate the fact that there's the possibilities
of me being "fly-kited"
So I hate myself for finding back-up
I hate myself for msging ppl at the last minute
I hate myself for explaining myself to ppl
For all these disgraceful actions
I'm not proud of it
But I'm glad ppl is proud that I did well in my poly
They are the one who give me a pat on the back
And they say "Hey man, you did it!"
"Congrats!"

I will readily admit to you now
I will cry in front of you
I really will
So I'm really glad to the ppl that came
Those who send the SMS
Those who bothered to say
"Hey you graduated! Good job!"

I dont need such stuff like
"Hey its expected of you lah!"
"You so power!"

I give you my power you go get the Gold Medal?
Rubbish

But its such a big episode for me internally
So many internal conflicts within me
Family and friends involved

At that time
I was still working
And I told Xiaoli about inviting who and who
Then she say ok ok ok ok
So I told her the other day that who and who and who
maybe cannot make it leh
Then she say
"Eh. You sad ah? Hahaha!"

I was like =.=
Of course I'm sad
If you know me that DAMN well
You would know my position
My friends
You think go night club izzit?
Throw everyone on the dance floor then can mix already?

If all ppl can mix then world peace already please
Its ppl like Xiaoli that makes me feel that
Actually things should be simplified
Cuz she doesnt know my difficulties
And sometimes the easiest way out is really the easiest way out
"Aiya dont be sad lah. Go ask other ppl. Teach me more leh!"
And she will still ask me to teach her more job related stuff
How nice to just put it all down

Friends
They need to be watered regularly too
If not they also will withered and die
Sadly but true

So many ugly things in life
So many evil stuff

So many so many things I wanna type down
But as I type and type
I don't know how to carry on

I just dont
Sometimes I wish ppl can sit down with me
Just one person
No need a crowd or what
Just sit down
Have plain water
Blow wind
Just sit there
We'll be quiet
Cuz I'm feeling emo

Emo is such an overused word
But nonetheless, yes emo is the right word

That someone knows exactly how to appreciate the silence with me
And when he or she breaks the silence
I'm exactly ready to listen
In the heat of the moment
I cant listen to any shit going on
But when you break the silence
I'm glad you broke the silence

But you know what?
Ya. Singaporeans too busy right?
Busy studying
Busy dating
Busy eating
Busy drinking
Busy working
Busy with busy
No ppl shake leg at home
All so hardworking
Ya

Its so late already
So late
I should be sleeping
And not screwing up my bio clock
But I know something
I achieved what others may not achieved currently

And yes its not just academics
I think I have seen a lot in life
I wanna see more
Travel more
Learn more
Dont stop

I wanna see more types of human behaviour
How we all behave
I wanna improve myself
Seek to better myself
Yes
And that starts by getting rid of the negative roots in my life

I think I would like to type more
But somehow
This post seems random
I cant scroll up and read through
Organize and filter
So here I am
Just typing and typing
Whatever that comes to mind I just type it down

And now I wonder
If you are reading this
Did you read everything?
Do you know me?
Can you please take some time to know me?
Cuz if you can, I'm willing to be your good friend
And good friend ranks the highest

So many quotes in life
But some which I hold close to my heart

"If there's no competition, then how do we rise to the occasion?"
Superman

"The end justifies the means"
Adolf Hitler

"只要你尽力就行了..."
My Dad

*grits teeth and pump myself up*
"I can do it. Mind over body"
Lim Yong Jun

Anyone bothered to read through the whole entry?
Doesnt matter
Cuz all in all
I only need a pat on the shoulder
Give me a squeeze by the way while you are at it
Makes me feel stronger
Definitely

I dont need gifts or protein powder
No kisses
Hugs would do too
A squeeze on my shoulders would do too
I have broad shoulders too
49-50cm from blade to blade
You can hug half of me if you cant hug the full of me
Thanks
=)